May 26, 2010

Yesterday was a day I would describe as “indescribable”. We always doubt God so much, and he never fails to prove us wrong, ever. Being here at DTS has completely been wrecking my life, and each and every day is a new day that brings new challenges, new teachings, new beginnings, and new life. God is such a God of love, and this is my story:

I have grown up in a Christian home my entire life, and attended a private Christian school through graduation, living the “Christian” life. I wasn’t living it because I wanted to live it though, I did it because it was my life and was expected of me in a way. I have always loved the Lord, but never in the way that I do now, true love. I am so glad that God told me to stop attending Boise State University at semester, and to apply and come to DTS (discipleship training school). He knew exactly what He was doing when he planned this all out, and it turned out perfectly. I have a very hard heart towards people and God, I mean HAD not have. Growing up I didn’t receive the love that my heart has desperately desired my entire life, a love that no human can fulfill, but only the love from God. Growing up I had much rebellion and impatience and selfishness in my life, and have continued to have it until the Lord finally broke it off. I didn’t live the perfect Christian life in high school and college, I got way off track, and lived for myself and my flesh, not for the Lord; big mistake. Coming here to DTS, I didn’t realize how much God was planning on working in my life; there was a lot that needed to be dealt with. Each week during lectures and worship speakers or the Holy Spirit talk to me and address different issues that we all need to hear. For me personally, there have been so many different issues in my life that have been huge issues and desperately needed to be dealt with completely in order for me to further and deeper my relationship with the Lord. I have dealt with anger, forgiveness, and other personal issues as the list continues, but nothing compares to what I have dealt with and received this week, especially yesterday. This week is Holy Spirit week. This is an extremely controversial subject to many different people and religions, but if you seek through the Bible, and seek truth, you will find it, in your own way, and God is very faithful to this. I have had so many issues and such with the whole Holy Spirit and everything that comes along with it, I don’t feel the need to list what they are, most of you know. I didn’t agree with basically any of it, and I was scared, if fact, I was terrified. I left lecture an hour early a few days ago because I was so upset about the teachings, and didn’t agree with them. I prayed to God asking why I was so confused, so upset, so angry, and so closed-minded. The answer was because I was allowing myself to be. I didn’t have to be closed minded to who the Holy Spirit was, I just have never encountered with Him, so I had no idea what it was all about; I had a fear of the unknown. It was out of my comfort level, out of what I grew up with, out of my quote on quote beliefs and so on. I have never searched for truth for myself, only believed what I have been fed my whole life, and based my Christianity solely on that. I have come from one extreme (my home church) to another extreme (here at YWAM). So let me tell you a little bit about my day today. It started out with lecture, which I had no desire to go or listen, because of how upset I was this morning, but I went, and stuck through it. From 11-12:30 there was a prayer time where our speaker and other leaders prayed for us and certain people got prophesied over, and also people experienced encounters with the Holy Spirit. Before today, I was not ok with it, but God has finally given me peace about everything, because God is not a God of confusion, He is a God of order. At the first part of the prayer, I started to cry. I wanted to leave and go back to my room so bad, but the Lord told me to stay, He wanted to show me some things, and work in my life. So I was obedient, and I stayed. I was terrified, but God gave me peace. I was so worked up about things and so scared about what was going to happen my body couldn’t sit still. All of the sudden an entire peace came over me, and God told me “Be still and know that I am God”. He repeated this to me several times, and I was finally at peace, because I know that God was not going to do anything that I was not comfortable with and He was going to be with me every step of the way. Two guys from phase three here at YWAM came and prayed over me, they really saw the gift of prophecy over me, something that truly is in me. And I finally know the reason why God has given me the boldness, leadership personality He has given me. He wants me to be an encourager, and a helper to people, helping build their faith. He has finally given me such a strong faith in Him, that I can help others come to this, and it is the most amazing feeling. He is such a good God. After feeling better, a while later our speaker Amy Sollars came up to me and prayed over me. She truly has some amazing gifts of the Lord. She prophesied certain things over me, that I knew God was using her to say some encouraging things to me that needed to be said to me. She really felt God saying I have had a difficult past, especially in high school. I am a complete influencer, and it has gotten me in trouble a lot of times. I have doubted so much while I am here, but God is showing me so much and is working so much in my life. She felt God saying I am a very “tough” girl, hiding my true compassionate and loving heart, because doing that is a sign of weakness, but I need to let that go and let God’s love and compassion take over my life, not control it myself. She said who I used to be and who God is working in me to become are two completely different things. God is working so much in my life and I am going to become such a woman of the Lord. Hearing this from God was so encouraging and so true to my life. I know that I have been struggling so much with so many different issues, and I feel SO close to that breakthrough and freedom in Christ but just haven’t got there yet. Nothing really made sense and came together till late last night, after I had time to process everything that had happened that day. Last night we had ministry night, where it was basically two hours of worshipping and experiencing the Holy Spirit and spending time with God. I decided to stay outside and spend time more alone and experiencing the Holy Spirit in my own way, and not the way everyone else was. A girl from my DTS who I am not too close with was crying, and she eventually came over and sat next to me, I felt God just completely give me this heart to sit and talk with her and really listen to her so I did. Comes to find out she doesn’t have money for her plane ticket to outreach and it was due 2 weeks ago and she is just really having a hard time trusting in the Lord. It is so hard to describe the feeling I had when talking to her. I really felt like God was using me to give her encouragement and hope and to really help her walk in faith. I talked with her for over twenty minutes, really speaking truth in her life and telling her everything will be ok, because it will be. I felt that I was speaking truth to her, telling her she WILL get the money and she IS going on outreach, not maybe. It was so encouraging to finally see a gift that God has put in me, working so soon. A month ago God told me I would be giving away a portion of money He has blessed me with, and I never knew who when what or why. Personally, the selfish person I was had no desire to do so, at all. But tonight, I felt such an urge to bless this girl, I ran to my room and prayed to God, weeping, thanking Him so much for this restoration and renewal of my heart for people, through the love of Him, it is truly amazing. After that I had the privilege to skype with my best friend who has really been struggling with some things in her life. I got to share my testimony to her, tell her all of the things that have been going on in my life and the things that God has been doing and give her hope that God loves her so much and is waiting for her to come back to Him, and be His best friend. I am so glad God has placed this amazing person in my life, and given me the heart I have to help her through this time, because she IS going to get through it. After that, just looking in the room, filled with over 70 young adults worshiping God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit each in their own way, I finally had this feeling finally God saying, “Emily, this is ok”. I don’t have to participate, agree with, or believe everything that I am taught here, or taught anywhere, nor should I. I like to be challenged and I love to question things, which forces me to dig even more into the word, to search the truth for myself, not what I have been taught my whole life through people. God has revealed so much of His character, love, how He works, and the amazing things He can do while I’ve been here at DTS. I still have over 4 weeks left here at DTS, where I’m expecting more of the Lord to come into my life, teach me more about Him, and do more work in my life, forming me even more to the woman of God he originally made me to be, to spread His word and show his love on a daily basis. Today, God has completely restored my heart. I finally came to the place in my life where I am ready to have it. I have completely submitted my life to the Lord and now I am ready to face what He gives me. I will need to seek the Lord daily in order to have the strength I will need to get through certain things, but God will never put me through something I can not get through or handle, and He will always be there for me each step of the way. I am experiencing the Lord here in a way that I cannot even describe. Thank you God so much for how much you have revealed to me and shown me, you are such a good God. Thank you for finally letting me come to an agreement that everything is OK. I don’t need to agree or do everything I am taught; I just need to seek you and study your word, seeking the TRUTH, not man’s word. Thank you God for the love you have finally put inside of me, after so many times of asking, thank you so much. I love you so much. Thank you all for your continuous prayers and support, please continue to pray, God is doing some amazing things. 4 ½ weeks I leave for Haiti… please keep our team in your prayers.. more info on our outreach coming next week. Thank you!